Beer Parlour Talks
Inside Madam 24/7 Bar
Okon’s newspaper covered his face, his beer almost finished and he seemed fixated when Okobi walked in and the following ensued:
Okobi:
Okon, good day brother. (Okon responded absently)
Okon:
Madam 24/7 please calculate my bills put together the old.
Madam:
Your money is N1300. I am bringing forward last week’s debt. You only took 2 bottles today.
Okon:
You’re not sure, it should be N1100… (Madam cuts in)
Madam:
You see why “Mr. Credit” died? Because men like yourself have decided not to honour him. I have told you often, this shop doesn’t sell on credit (She points to a wall inscription reading: NO CREDIT, signed by management) but you will come here with empty pocket and make trouble with me over bills… Even bills of ninteen-kirigidim. Pay me joor!
Okobi:
Madam, easy now. Let Okon be, I will make up for him. Serve him one bottle of his brand and bring me Heineken with a plate of pepper soup. Okay?
Okon:
Okobi my good friend when did you enter?
Okobi:
I was greeting but you appeared lost with your attention buried in the newspaper. I was wondering what the news item was… (Madam leaves having taken the order)
Okon:
Thank you so much for electing to foot that bill you see, my mechanic garage has not welcomed a new car for ages now, I am almost broke… This Change and Next Level is already telling (Okobi interjects)
Okobi:
Hian, Okon my brother, abeg o commot mouth this Change never reach where beer price dey o at least for the past 4 years, although cigarette don increase by 5 naira. Although I learned the senate was trying to impose higher tax on beer, a control measure kind of…The level wen de country take dey go now ehn… Hmm, if beer price hike we go show them say we nor be teachers or civil servants…
Okon:
Meaning?
Okobi:
We go riot now! You no know say tins hard get wetin dey soft dem? If no be dis kain beer wen we dey take hol bodi wetin man for dey do these days? Anyday Generalissimo joke with beer wetin happen for 1923 for Germany go happen here for Naija.
( Then came Madam 24/7 carrying two cold beers and a delectable plate of pepper soup in the tray)
Okon:
What? Germany? 1923? You know dis we nation no dey do history for school… So help me explain Germany of 1923. By the way thanks for the order.
Okobi:
You see, there was a “beer parlour coup” that year in Germany and although Hitler did not succeed, he later emerged by the late 30s and the philosophy behind that coup birthed Nazism.
Okon:
You mean a beer parlour coup happen for Germany over beer price?
Okobi:
Not over price o but na the coup name shaa. Hitler’s first coup! Na beer parlour talks we dey… Which nation drink beer pass Germany sef?
Okon:
I wonder o. Dis we nation don due for beer parlour coup o. See herdsmen, Boko Haram, bandits, IPOB, Niger-Delta Avengers, corruption…. Many things just dey happen…. By the way Jurgen Klopp help Liverpool FC win this champions league no be beer em go dey use the cup drink so?
Okobi:
You see in Germany water is costlier than beer. They conserve water and waste beer. First hand information!
Okon:
Chei! God for make me German now… I for get talk with Madam 24/7? But this “beer parlour coup” of 1923 is new lesson to me o…
Okobi:
Drop your paper fess. What is in the news this time? Are we to run or stand?
Okon:
What else is in their news if not the result.
Okobi:
Which results? Election don finish now abi na coupon or pool results? Nairabet or Betnaija?
Okon:
Okobi you don remind me sef, Taiwo game of 4 million naira just slipped by a single game cut… That guy was not lucky by now em for dey cruise town….
Okobi:
Your fellow mechanic Taiwo you mean?
Okon:
Yes na.
Okobi:
Holy Moses! Chai! Na de guy for enter the real Next Level…. Ehen, tell me about this your result news….
Okon:
The senate don do their election and… (Okobi snapped)
Okobi:
You see am? So you’ve been reading old paper here for long? That is no news. We all knew this result would well be like this. The principal offices don go to their regions and states of origin, so wetin Igboman get? Nothing. Biafra war never end o. I just dey look the metamorphosis from Change to Next Level.
Okon:
You see, you have a problem. Too much of grammar is your problem. Who told you Nigeria is undergoing metamorphosis or photosynthesis? What has changed since 1960s? What if not nothing? Anyway the news is that the Vicar, the one they call “mace snatcher of the Senate” knelt down before Generalissimo, a kind of Thanksgiving and appreciation. But I learned the Vicar is not a Yoruba man and I was wondering why he made such obeisance. Is it in his culture?
Okobi:
Madam 24/7! Replace the brands, the tori don dey hot small small!
Oh, you mean say the newly sworn in went worshiping at the temple of Next Level? Anyway I am not surprised was it not in this nation again that a minister of interior had his shoes wiped in public glare by a commoner, a pleb? I am close to history so I don’t forget… Mind you the Second Lady and wife of Mr. Clean, our pastor-professor, also knelt down in awe of Generalissimo! So maybe this is a new trend for the Next Level, a new beginning.
You see, kneeling down has degrees. The other time Old Baba knelt down before his second man in 2003 just to get power… Even when he had made himself today an attention whore. But then, what he did to his second man after his Third Term collapsed…. Only history will remember. Anyway, history is a German not a Nigerian.
Okon:
Okobi my brother, you see this ninth assembly will miss Warrior. You know Warrior fought serious battle with Generalissimo that the Senate was besieged by hooded agents at one point. And at any rate, Warrior is no worshipper of men and mammon and cannot kneel down before mortals. He doesn’t play Lion Bourdilon script. We will miss Warrior, son of the Emperor born into a great dynasty!
Okobi:
Hahahaha… Warrior’s problem was not kneeling down nor was it standing up. Warrior’s father, the Emperor himself was in a similar position at the Senate during Generalissimo’s first coming. That long standing feud between the two was still there somehow and even when Warrior switched allegiance in 2014 to the saintliest progressives party in the land it was known too. Warrior was not going to last, Lion of Bourdilon will not like to share the glory of his empire with anybody from within or without the same region. And how Warrior emerged when the incumbents went to do jamboree before Generalissimo was unforgettable, unforgivable for Generalissimo himself and so at any rate, that drew the battle line between the two and since you have Mr. Squealer, the mouthpiece of the state come from the same Afonja arena they would rather use him and that was how the dynasty built by Emperor, Warrior’s father collapsed. So we know many things were not going well with Warrior but in history empires rise and fall, but of course history is a German and not a Nigerian.
Okon:
But Okobi tell me why would one arm of government kneel down for or before another? This is like secondary school thing and punishments of those days. Are we sure bills will ever be debated at all like used to be before? Executive bills end with “the ayes have it”… Then goes the garvel, next gazette.
Okobi:
Okon my good friend, you see, the constitution knelt other arms down before the office of Generalissimo himself. Have you forgotten how Old Baba swapped while in that office and rotated the Senate seat among the 5 southeast states to such extent that had the zone had a sixth state like other zones, it would have shared in the rotation and zoning. Those people succeeded Abacha even to his idea on rotation and massive looting. Did I forget? Abacha’s goodwill to us in terms of monies are returning to these days. The ones they returned did they do anything with it? No. But history is a German, not a Nigerian!
Okon:
So you mean the problem is not in this theatrics of kneeling down but in the constitution?
Okobi:
Yes. Yes and yes. I will even say another “yes” to it. All the politicians in this land are actually kneeling down. If not before a shrine, it is before a godfather, if not that one, they will kneel before the masses like when a phallic man under urge will beg and pet a woman and then after one round he realises he had prematurely poured and had not done it any better, what again does he do? He turns around, comes begging kneeling down for a renewed round to do it better this time. Nigerian electorate likens to a woman whose lover deceives regularly and at interval making the same promises again just to gain free entry. That is how the masses are raped. What did history say? Same campaign promises decades ago are renewed like a pledge. Today we are celebrating June 12 Martyr did that man not kneel down before Iroko’s wife, Idowu, the matron of the southwest for supporting NPN in the ’70s with his monies. History is not a Nigerian but a German. Madam 24/7 serve us our brands please!
Okon:
You see, I get your point now…. Obeisance is better than sacrifice!
If Warrior had made obeisance, he would not have lost his seat. Maybe that was what sustained Majordomo from 2007 to 2015. He was even representing Generalissimo’s predecessor, Dear Brother, at functions.
Okobi:
You see, this our pub is a makeshift classroom kind of. I have learned a new thing now: OBEISANCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE!
Dear Brother was as weak as anything. I do not really think he had the balls for Nigeria. I don’t like to talk about him, he just sucks… Though we miss him.
Okon:
And l learned Fighter will head the ninth Green Chamber after missing out in the eighth assembly. I think in fighter I have one consolation: VIOLENCE HAS A REWARD. If you recall him chasing other dissenting members with spanner during the seventh assembly; scaling fence when the parliament was also besieged and sealed you will know he too must have knelt down before someone somewhere. After all we discussed his melodramatic martial art skills here in those days. Or did we not?
Okobi:
Yes we did. Now you have received more sense. Fighter is Lion’s boy. Lion of Bourdilon who single-handedly chased away the former prefect of Lagoon and planted his own right hand man, Man Friday. So you have sense and I see sense a lot in the cliche: VIOLENCE HAS A REWARD and then OBEISANCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE.
Okon:
My brother I am an apostle of Debonair Senator, the advocate of “common sense”… This present Assembly and Assemblymen will miss him a lot. Such a man he was.
Okobi:
Hahaha… The problem with you is that you are a typical Nigerian.
Okon:
I am for Biafra and I support Nnamdi Ka.. (Okobi interrupts abruptly)
Okobi:
You are talking another thing entirely. A Nigerian is one who easily forgets, like that woman so considerate as to open legs for her lover who has anything but love for her. Debonair Senator your role model has been a brand name since NTA days, romancing with the military and by the way how did he erect his media outfit? Okay, it was once rumoured that when NTA wanted to go digital some of the equipment were diverted. Who is free? Nobody is. But this was not proven otherwise and no court found him guilty either. But history is a German and not a Nigerian.
Okon:
Chai… Nobody is clean, all na dem. It is much like “shine my shoe and you will shine”, “scratch my back I scratch your back” kind of grass to glory. This too must be a trend.
Okobi:
Of course a serious trend at that. You bend down, they tap your back and you are commissioned like a medieval crusading knight, you come back and kneel down!
Okon:
Okobi? Crusading what?
Okobi:
Haha… O, you don’t know? You see am? History is not a Nigerian but a German.
It was by “kneeling down” or making obeissance that knights were commissioned by the medieval popes to go fight and defend Jerusalem and the Holy Land. And today someone has just been commissioned to go and defend the MACE!
Okon:
History is Jew now? A Jerusalemite? Palestinian?
Okobi:
No. A German still.
Okon:
Whither goes it Palestine now?
Okobi:
Simple. Bow and make obeisance. The commission is yours to go and defend the Mace in Nigeria not in Palestine.
Okon:
I see, in Germany before a woman, Nigerian women were relegated to “kitchen and the other room”. O, goodness! History is a German since 1923. But Okobi wait a bit, the custodian of the Mace once looted the Mace.
Okobi :
Okon, please point of correction, at no point did anybody snatch or loot the Mace. Honourable and distinguished Vicar only defended the MACE from unqualified custodians. Today, history has been made as a stolen MACE has now returned and is safe in the custody of its most legitimate bearer.
Okon:
Heiya… This is wrong history you are giving me now about the Mace Saga.
Okobi:
No, I hope not.
Okon :
Proof?
Okobi:
That your paper (pointing at Okon’s newspaper) lied to history too. The left rider article said something about “Biafra”…
Okon:
You mean Biafra is a lie and didn’t happen just as the mace snatch didn’t happen too?
Okobi:
You heard me right good friend
(motions Madam 24/7 for another round for only Okon)
Madam, calculate the bills and Okon’s too is on me, I want to leave now.
Okon:
Thanks for your generosity and by the way, what informed this idea that Biafra and the Mace didn’t happen in history?
Okobi:
Because history is a Nigerian.
Okon:
Since when?
Okobi:
Now. Henceforth.
Okon (trying to hold Okobi who was leaving):
What about our 1923 Germany and beer parlour coup?
Okobi:
Not here.
Okon:
Why?
Okobi:
We are Nigerians!
END
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2019
Aba